Dalawang taon na pala? 

Dalawang taon na pala ang nakalipas,

Bakit hanggang ngayon mga alala mo’y hindi pa rin kumukupas?

Sana’y naging damit na lang kita,

Na kapag niluma ng panaho’y gagawing basahan ng maruming bintana at lamesita.

Dalawang taon na nga ang nakakaraan,

Ano ba ang lunas sa isang pusong sugatan?

Naging doktor ka na lang sana, doktor ng puso ko,

At iyong itatanong “Anong masakit sayo? Halika dito, gagamutin ko”.

Dalawang taon ka ng walang kaganapan sa aking buhay,

Ngunit sa bawat hiling at dasal pangalan mo’y nadadamay.

Babalik ka pa kaya o tuluyan ng mawawala?

Sabihin mo naman upang hindi na ako tuluyang umasa sa wala.

Dalawang taon ka ng bumabagabag sa aking isipan,

Laking gulat ko ng makita ka sa aking harapan.

Nasa tamang oras na nga kaya ang ating istorya?

Maligayang pagbabalik nga pala. ūüíď


She lost him, but she found herself

I woke up today like everything falls in the right place. Mom and dad, his parents, my friends, his friends and every people we met in the long run is getting ready for today’s special event. I can’t resist to stare at the reflection I see while sitting in front of the looking-glass. The beautician is at the door talking to someone, someone I knew for a long time, someone special to me.

“Don’t put too much make up on her, okay? I want her natural look, eyeliner and black eye shadow will be enough I guess.”

A husky voice, his voice echoed in my mind. I can’t help but to laugh, will he always remind me or the beautician about not putting too much make up? I guess so because today we both hear the wedding chimes. I can’t contain my happiness and I wanted to talk to him but they won’t let me. “You will see him later. He will wait for you while you’re walking down the aisle. So now, get out of this room because the car is ready to send you to church”, Mom told me. So I do. I’m thinking about the roller coaster kind of ride while riding the vehicle. I thought it was a sad beautiful tragic story because as I remember… we fall apart. Did we fall back? How did it happened that we will end up marrying each other in a few minutes? How did it happened that I’m in front of this familiar church hearing the bridal march? Maybe it’s true, love always wins and at this moment I’m walking down the aisle to be close to you. I think I’m hearing some noise besides the applause, it was like Tic tac tic tac tic tac (sound of alarm) and it’s getting louder, also I can’t see your face because of too much light. (like the sun)

Then I realized, it was only just a dream. I dreamed of you for the nth time. Later, I found myself staring at the ceiling remembering every single moment I spent with you in my sweet nightmare. At 10:30 I’m thinking of you again. Your smile, your voice, your laughter and the whole package of you. A genuine smile formed in my lips while reminiscing the memories you have in mind and in my heart. Soon I realized, I’m back to zero on the verge of moving on because I always look back.

I’m back on wasting my time thinking about someone who doesn’t think of me anymore. I’m going to spend the night crying to sleep again. I will always look back with all the promises of fighting for this goddamned relationship, with all the plans we have for our future, with all the sweet messages you sent especially when you said “I’m all yours.” I will always re-read the first love letter I have received and laugh at the last sentence wherein you said you don’t have a bad handwriting, you just have your own font. (LOL) Will I always think about all of this? When will I get tired and sick with this? Isn’t it strange to feel joy and pain at the same time? I’m glad to keep the memories we’ve shared but it pained me because it always lead me to someone I lost. I look at the past to the point that I don’t know how to face the present time without him. I guess, I’m going to imprison myself with our past. My happiness. With you.

Sometimes, I end up stalking your profile and thinking if I have the urge to send you a message. When things get really bad, I want to call you and talk about everything. You know, you’re my favorite person. That’s the ideas I kept in my mind years ago, I want to move on but I always look back and check if you’ll come back. Until one day came, I have stopped thinking about you on the good days. When something goes wrong or right, or when I see something bizarre, or when I hear a funny joke you’re not the first person I want to call anymore.

It’s not painful to reminisce that once upon a ride there was you and me. Thank you for loving me and also, for leaving me behind. It forced me to find my own way. I shouldn’t depend my happiness to people because they come and go. A few might stay but the majority will leave, they always do. I learn to love again, to take risk and to give chance. I’m inlove with myself at this moment. I’m amazed how my heart can make others feel loved even though it was broken into pieces. Pain may take you to darkness but it is also the way to see the light. I can share every bit of the “roller coaster kind of love” while smiling, no more tears or pain. I welcome myself at this moment.

“Welcome to the life after heartbreak! Welcome to the new chapter of life!” 

Yours truly, heartless girl

I’m eclectic, I like trying new things and meeting new people. It got to a point where I talk to strangers, know them and the last thing I knew, I’m shutting them out of my life. To be honest, I really like talking especially to the silent ones. It’s an honor to see their crazy and wild persona, I like to hear their rants about life and everything. But what I love the most? To see them smile and hear them laugh while having a conversation with me, I think that’s the best thing. I also love it, making others happy and making memories, even for a little while. With me, you can talk about politics, psychology, history but I’ll shut you up when you ask about mathematics. With me, you can ask help for your essay or school works and you can call me at 3 in the morning or afternoon. Lastly, with me, you can be yourself. Just like that. It’s nice to know that it’s the same with you. But I was wrong because you’re just like the other guys I knew. You offered happiness and I gave happiness in return. You offered love, a love with a romantic intensity and I stepped back.

I’M SORRY. For making you feel special yesterday and I’m pushing you out of my life today. I’m sorry if I gave you false hope and letting you stuck in friend zone. I want you to know that I tried to picture us together, even if the concept of being in a relationship makes my heart sink. Maybe we will be happy, spending our morning at the Cafeteria because your Mom don’t want us to skip breakfast before going to our respective class, wasting our vacant time in watching movies or reading eBooks, texting each other during class. I also imagined us during a quarrel, it’s hilarious. You’ll always be the one who will fix it because you know, I’m a hard-headed girl sometimes or maybe every time?

But no, that’s not the point. Maybe you can find solution with the fights, the problems and others but you cannot fix my heart. Please don’t blame my Ex boyfriend with this, I got over him. It’s just me not ready to trust and love again. It’s me not ready to fall and be crazily inlove again.Don’t wait for me, wipe your tears and look for someone you deserve. 7 billion people, I know there’s someone out there destined for you. It’s just that, it’s not me. I’m sorry for taking your feelings for granted but I appreciate all the efforts you made just to keep me happy. I sincerely thank you for giving me so much happiness, for answering my midnight nonsense calls, for being with me whenever I feel alone, for being a good listener, for being always present through different times. Thank you for everything.

Just like the other guys I knew, you won’t give up even if I keep pushing you away. But believe me when I say it’s for your own good. You even said that you’ll always forgive me no matter what. I’m not the girl you should be head over heels with. I’m not the one you should show all your love. I’m not the one, I tell you.

You see, I’m a crazy all around girl. I might spend the night drinking with the squad but my homework for the next morning was finished already, I might joke around but if I have to be serious I will change my mood, I might send funny snap shots but I can look decent too and I might look like a girl with a kind heart but I can be… Sadly, I can be heart less too. 

Once upon a ride

It was like riding a roller coaster. The moment I said “tickets for two” to the crew in charge of tickets is the moment I realized that I like you, that I like being with you. I’m busy looking around, my eyes were focused with the people on the ride. You asked if I’m ready to take the extreme ride. “Of course, I got you right?”, I answered and you replied with a genuine smile. It’s our turn now, we put our seat belt on but the fear of dying or falling is still on my mind. You have doubts too, right? But we have each other. You even told me not to be skeptical. You hold my hand so tight, filling the gaps exactly when the roller coaster started to move. I was nervous that time, if you didn’t hold my hand maybe I backed out. Going up to the very top, my heart thuds fast like a bomb ready to explode and when the drop comes, my body fell and my heart exploded in a split second. You heard it and answered that you love me too, that’s the best thing I ever knew.  You love me too, you love me in return! We close our eyes as we passed the loops, we smile and laugh at the same time. We scream with all our might because we have the weird idea that the loops might hit us. It’s such a unique feeling that at the end of our turn we have high hopes of taking the ride again. With you, trouble disappears and happiness is clearly seen. With you, every ride is worth riding for. I was drunk in the idea of having you by my side, through good and bad times, holding my hand whenever I laugh or cry, joining me in different kinds of ride. I was so drunk. It was too late for me to realize that you’re already gone. You let me know what love is and you let me feel it but I didn’t expect that you will leave me hanging. It was only me at the end, I was holding onto the seat belt you supposed to wear.

That’s how you made me feel. You let me feel fear, happiness, hope and pain at the same time. We never went to a theme park and never ride a roller coaster  but this is exactly how I feel about the relationship we lost.

Maybe sometimes, it’s better to love someone from afar. You just love them with the idea you have in your mind. It’s simple as that. Rather than being with him, loving him and being left by him in the end.

I should have just watch you from afar. I should have just watch the people take the roller coaster kind of love, not to give it a shot. I should have just watch them laugh, scream and cry from afar. I shouldn’t have taken the ride with you. I shouldn’t have trust you with all my heart, if only I knew that you’ll just dropped and leave anytime. We shouldn’t but we did. At the end you lost me but tell me how can I forget the idea that once upon a ride, there was you and me?

For the King who dethroned his own crown

“A King? He is the ruler, commander,¬†protector. He is someone I should honor and respect for he is responsible with the territory he has and he supposed to love the people in his territory, most especially his Queen”, answered by the girl. She was asked on how to describe a Father. The teacher praised her for the distinct description but at the back of her mind, she felt sad. “I hope this little girl had the chance to feel how a Father prove his love and care for his little girl”, she thought to herself. She continue¬†discussing¬†the lesson and end the class with a homework to be pass next meeting.¬†

Later that night, the little girl is having a hard time to finish the homework. How can she write a letter for someone who left her since she was born? How can she write a letter to someone who let her experience the worst things in life alone? But she tried…

For the dethroned King, 

¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† I don’t know where to start, I have too many questions to be answered by you. Sometimes I wonder; will I ever find the answers or will you do the same thing Mc Arthur has done? Wherein he said “I shall return” and he really keep his promise. Cause you left us and the sad thing is you never came back. Will it make a difference if you’re here with me? If you’d ask me, it will. It will really make a great difference. Mom works so hard, that she choose to consume her time just to make a living and to give everything for me. She don’t know… She did not know I just need you. We needed you. ¬†Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? If you’re here, maybe Mom will not feel the certain sadness she have. Life is tough even if you are here, but don’t you get it Daddy?¬†It wouldn’t be hard like this if we have you in every struggle and challenges.¬†

Don’t you have a heart Daddy? I think you don’t.¬† Don’t you find me special Dad? I think you don’t.¬† Don’t you love and miss us? I ¬†know you don’t.¬†

¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†I hate you Daddy, I really do. But a big part of me loves you. You blood runs through my veins and there’s a part of you in me, we’re very alike but I will never leave Mom alone. I will never do the same thing to Mom. You should fight with us and help Mom with everything. You should love her Daddy. She loves you too much that she can’t find someone who can replace the big space you occupied in her heart. You shouldn’t leave us. Mom’s your queen and I’m the princess you left in danger Daddy. You shouldn’t, but you did… In that moment you dethroned your own crown as our King.

For them, I am the light.

I’m used of having the sexy curve in my face and the people around knew how I laugh terribly. I’m not a clown, I don’t put too much make up but I have the talent or this so-called super powers to feel the sadness or happiness of others. All my life, I have seen how the world works. I’m too young to know it all but I’m pretty sure that the things I have experienced were the worst ones. However, life has it’s choices whether you take it in a positive side or the other way around. It’s up to you, are you going to waste your time seeing the bad things in life or look for new perspective. It turned out that I strive for happiness and didn’t let my life to be imprisoned by my history.

I knew how it felt to be rejected, to be hurt and the worst things people might experience. Maybe that’s the reason why there is a pain inside me when I see the people close to my heart stumble and fall down. I never wanted them to experience pain and suffering but that’s what life offers to each one of us. When there is pleasure, pain is on its way. But then again, our faith gives us hope to strive for happiness. We all need someone in our life, someone who can listen and understand. Later on, I have realized that I became that someone. I’m the light in their lonely night, the candle in their darkness and the friend in case of emergency. It was fun and exciting to be that someone whom people talk to when complicated circumstances arise. You are the chosen one to see their weak and fragile persona. You are the person they trust with all the clich√© love problems and dramas life brought to them. You’re the bravest and strongest person for them, I repeat FOR THEM.

That’s the thing about being the girl who smiles once in a while, the girl who laugh with the little things, the girl who is known to be the best friend you may ever had and the girl who will always answer a phone call 2:00 in the morning to talk about the most non sense to the most essential things. That’s the thing about the girl who is very generous to make other people smile. She forgot about her own happiness.¬†In the end, she feel empty. And for her, she’s in a deep darkness. How can she make others happy if she doesn’t think of her own happiness? How can she make someone laugh when she cry to her sleep at night? How can she fix broken hearts when her heart was tore into pieces? Tell me, how?

“We all need someone, right? But who will be there for me? Who will be that someone who will look deep into¬†my¬†eyes and ask if I’m¬†really okay? Who will be that someone if everyone expects me to be¬†happy all the time. Is there someone who will hug me so tight when my world is crashing down? I really don’t know because all I can do is saving everyone except myself.”¬†the girl thought to herself.¬†

It will never be easy to find someone for her. The girl is very simple yet adorn, childish but matured and happy but deep down inside she might be crying or slowly dying. Until now, she can’t figured it out but a part of her hopes. Hoping that someday, someone out there will make her realize the light she has and will always have.

Hello world!

This is my first¬†post. I welcome myself in this site, I hope you’ll do the same too. ¬†I don’t just write to remember and to forget. I also write to express.¬†