I woke up today like everything falls in the right place. Mom and dad, his parents, my friends, his friends and every people we met in the long run is getting ready for today’s special event. I can’t resist to stare at the reflection I see while sitting in front of the looking-glass. The beautician is at the door talking to someone, someone I knew for a long time, someone special to me.
“Don’t put too much make up on her, okay? I want her natural look, eyeliner and black eye shadow will be enough I guess.”
A husky voice, his voice echoed in my mind. I can’t help but to laugh, will he always remind me or the beautician about not putting too much make up? I guess so because today we both hear the wedding chimes. I can’t contain my happiness and I wanted to talk to him but they won’t let me. “You will see him later. He will wait for you while you’re walking down the aisle. So now, get out of this room because the car is ready to send you to church”, Mom told me. So I do. I’m thinking about the roller coaster kind of ride while riding the vehicle. I thought it was a sad beautiful tragic story because as I remember… we fall apart. Did we fall back? How did it happened that we will end up marrying each other in a few minutes? How did it happened that I’m in front of this familiar church hearing the bridal march? Maybe it’s true, love always wins and at this moment I’m walking down the aisle to be close to you. I think I’m hearing some noise besides the applause, it was like Tic tac tic tac tic tac (sound of alarm) and it’s getting louder, also I can’t see your face because of too much light. (like the sun)
Then I realized, it was only just a dream. I dreamed of you for the nth time. Later, I found myself staring at the ceiling remembering every single moment I spent with you in my sweet nightmare. At 10:30 I’m thinking of you again. Your smile, your voice, your laughter and the whole package of you. A genuine smile formed in my lips while reminiscing the memories you have in mind and in my heart. Soon I realized, I’m back to zero on the verge of moving on because I always look back.
I’m back on wasting my time thinking about someone who doesn’t think of me anymore. I’m going to spend the night crying to sleep again. I will always look back with all the promises of fighting for this goddamned relationship, with all the plans we have for our future, with all the sweet messages you sent especially when you said “I’m all yours.” I will always re-read the first love letter I have received and laugh at the last sentence wherein you said you don’t have a bad handwriting, you just have your own font. (LOL) Will I always think about all of this? When will I get tired and sick with this? Isn’t it strange to feel joy and pain at the same time? I’m glad to keep the memories we’ve shared but it pained me because it always lead me to someone I lost. I look at the past to the point that I don’t know how to face the present time without him. I guess, I’m going to imprison myself with our past. My happiness. With you.
Sometimes, I end up stalking your profile and thinking if I have the urge to send you a message. When things get really bad, I want to call you and talk about everything. You know, you’re my favorite person. That’s the ideas I kept in my mind years ago, I want to move on but I always look back and check if you’ll come back. Until one day came, I have stopped thinking about you on the good days. When something goes wrong or right, or when I see something bizarre, or when I hear a funny joke you’re not the first person I want to call anymore.
It’s not painful to reminisce that once upon a ride there was you and me. Thank you for loving me and also, for leaving me behind. It forced me to find my own way. I shouldn’t depend my happiness to people because they come and go. A few might stay but the majority will leave, they always do. I learn to love again, to take risk and to give chance. I’m inlove with myself at this moment. I’m amazed how my heart can make others feel loved even though it was broken into pieces. Pain may take you to darkness but it is also the way to see the light. I can share every bit of the “roller coaster kind of love” while smiling, no more tears or pain. I welcome myself at this moment.
“Welcome to the life after heartbreak! Welcome to the new chapter of life!”